客栈

“2007年2月26日星期一”记

2007年寒假纪实：

1、2007年2月26日，爱犬宝贝头头夭折。享年两个月。死因：肠炎。亲手葬之。有切肤之痛。肝肠寸断。头头，一路走好吧！

2、2003年10月某日，于丽江学校操场，见流星24颗。直至现今2007年我已转眼24岁。这一年会发生什么？待续。。。。。。

3、2007年春节。亦非大事，年年岁岁岁岁年年朝朝夕夕如是也。不同的是，今年属我本命年，红装着身。窗外鞭炮轰鸣，吃不完的年夜饭，看央视春节联欢晚会，发新年邮件给异地他乡朋友。淡之。祈求本命年平安度过。

4、2007年，茶余饭后的亲戚朋友谈话中总要牵扯到余私人感情问题。我尚不着急，他人却时常操心，无奈！无奈！自知知我者，何日生也？细想今日所经历之事，力不从心。将天下男性大赦，不要遭我手这一劫罢！

5、2007年最大心愿：努力！把对外汉语教师资格考试拿下。将中国传统文化发扬光大！也为咱华夏子孙们争争光!

附记：2007年初感，被一种东西从背后推着走，莫非本命年的缘故？我是信命的。不管怎么说，不论是不是本命年，一定不要忘了多多做好事，做个好人。行善积德。

狗狗死了，我却一直将它抱在怀里，不想让它的体温就这么没有了。毕竟对于它的身体来说，我是巨大的。忍受不了。昨天它好在脚边跑来跑去，今天就。。。。。。唉！只是可怜这小家伙儿身体一直不好。下辈子好好投胎做人吧！亲爱的！一定要幸福啊！

啊！原来，我是如此惧怕死亡。

今天无聊

NND！假期就这么快要结束了，又要投入战场，远离娇生惯养。颠儿到几千里地儿，跟生活拼杀。既幸福又懒惰的日子，就这么殁了！咳！

怎么就毕业了？怎么就要面对社会了？怎么就要和其他人一样混入人潮中被淹没被踩踏被冷落了？怎么这个时间就过的这么快了？一大堆问号纠缠到一起，分不清钩儿在哪，点儿在哪。我想，夸父当年是在混沌里开辟天地那一刹突然茫然不知道自己造了个什么东西想不明白就抑郁而终了吧？！我也活了四分之一的日子突然回不过味儿来，就郁闷了。

谁知道生活是什么？说简单了就是无数的空气进去肺部又出来，心脏肌肉将血液压到全身再拽回来，在一个叫身体的生物机体里发生无数的化学和物理变化。于是，我就是活物了。往复杂了说，就是天天你要猜猜猜一张张熟悉或不熟悉的脸后面到底在预谋什么和你有关的事情，高尚的或者龌龊的。然后在一一应付，快乐的或者沮丧的，愤怒的或者淡漠的。现在的3D游戏有一种叫决策类游戏，就是研究怎么和一台傻电脑里的傻角色斗志，不是他让我撂到了，就是他把我给撅了。我在想，到底是生活在模仿游戏还是游戏在模仿生活，因为看似简单的游戏却常常让人犯难，而生活中往往被我看得好像是很复杂的事情，解决起来有时候却用不上玩儿游戏一半儿的时间。要不怎么说郁闷哪？

怪自己不争气，唉！MD！越活越老啦！也越活越不明白啦！这就叫回楦！于是就天天把自己关在屋子里反省，反省反省就走了极端，一出门见生人连话都不敢说了。到医院一检查说是自闭症。好嘛!这就自闭了，回家一照镜子，可不是，皮肤白皙，体态臃肿，目光呆滞，稍加谢顶。

那天看了一个寄生虫的记录片，特恶心！寄生在别人身上也就算了，还长那么闹人的样儿，没天理了！作为社会和家庭的寄生虫能做的贡献我估计也就是恶心人了！

看完片子，掉一地鸡皮疙瘩以后，深思，深思，深思。

下辈子！一定改！

谁知道我在这儿唧唧歪歪的说些什么？？呵呵！凡是能看明白的都跟我一样儿的人，惶惑吧？！茫然吧？！盼着哪天能见天日呢吧？！

其实我不是这种人！如今已经目标明确，就差努力了。今天无聊而已。望在有聊之日不作这样无聊之人。自勉，自省。继续努力！

AFTER “HUH”…

Till now, I kept thinking what I have done during the time I spent in Kun Ming. It likes a dream and seems so confusing. I even couldn’t understand why I did so many stupid things. May be that is people say: when you are in the event, you will never know clearly what you have done. That is totally right! After I got back home, left far away from the place where happened so many unbelievable things, I turn to realize in fact everything is so simple! Just like all the people I met during my journey. Two travelers met here.

But strange! To Kun Ming, I was a fresh and a traveler, I want made a terrific memory as that I made in Li Jiang before. I want easy and comfortable life. That was the reason why I ran away from the city, which is far away 4400 km, at the other side of China! However, Whole thing didn’t develop in the normal way as I think. We are standing at the middle line between the friendship and lovers. But at the present, I don’t think we are friends after something happened. And it is clearly that the feelings are anyway much more than friends’.

I like a blind man walking in the darkness. No light, nobody can do me a favorer. That made me felt hopeless and helpless. It should have been better, god! But both of us miss a lot of things. So many questions exist in my head. How we became friends? How did the feelings of the relationship change? What is the right relationship of us? Why does the matter that should be easy, but now become so complex? What is love? Who can gives me the answers? I really don’t want to think about it any more, so boring! So tired!

I am not a liar to myself. Yep! Perhaps love, maybe I fell in love with you, or jumped so fast into the hole deeply as a boob，but anyway I loved, may be at that time, I felt so happy. But now, after I got back, I can’t feel it at all any more. When I close my eyes, there’s only a while world with nothing. The whole four months. You never told me you love me, even you never told me that you like me! I felt I just like a symbol, which can be instead of by anybody! You told me that I couldn’t be worried about it. But how can I live in such an empty world and still be happy? If we are only friends, I will try my best to be a good friend; if we are lovers, I will use all my heart to love you, make everyday wonderful, and try to build a good future. But now, could you tell me, what I should do?

I don’t care where you come from, what did you do in your past time. At least we are human beings! We know as a human kind what we need. What have happened? The god wanted to make a joke with me. I couldn’t understand all you said and your behaviors!! To you, I am an idiot, real idiot! Why I became a wood after I met you? Maybe I kept pretending to be silly? Maybe, I was lost myself! Everything happened, but the more happen, the more I feel scared. What I can do after I go back to Kun Ming? I don’t want to make everything like a movie. I ONLY want the true love and true life, the one I can hold, I can touch and I feel. And I know how to protect it. This is the most important thing to a girl---feel safe. I want a man who I will fall in love with and he will love me at the same time.

Now I don’t want to run away from the matter, I think I have to deal with it till I make it perfect. I want to try! At least leave a good memory for each of us. When you leave China. I never hope you to remember me. We both go back to the tracks as before. But I want when we are 40 years old, we will not have such an idea: huh! In that country I met such a bad guy! Bad luck! At that time, I will cry!!

Yes, when I get up from the dream, my heart feels pain, what we call that feeling? Perhaps “love”. Suddenly I realized, maybe one day I would never see you again. And now, the long distance really makes an empty space between us. I can only see the beautiful night with snow.

Tell me the truth. I want to know! It was the wish I made at that night in Luo Ping to 10 shooting stars. Not the most beautiful sky I have saw, but was still charming. And now who can tell me the truth? You? After time pulls you back to the history as all the men I met in my life, I can face to you peacefully. Like nothing has happened, when I want to hold you, kiss you, when I feel in fact I still miss you, I will let time to deal with everything. I will control my heart.

I like this word from the movie <<original sin>>: This is not a love story, but it is a story about love. However, I don’t want the same things happened on me. But who knows? Only time

                                     'talk nonsense girl’       Fiancés         2007-1-30 22:56